Coming OUT

NOW FEATURING – Ask Doc Quixote by Sheldon M. Sperber, MD

Come In

First, I would like to thank every person who has had any responsibility for or part in providing me with the opportunity to offer a little peace and sanity into a time and experience that is often disturbing and unsettling in many of our lives.

Once upon a time, when I was a married man, my wife and I bought a wall-hanging at a local crafts fair. It had a distinctly Japanese flavor and read: Catch a man a fish, feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime. My intention in writing this column is to answer questions and address issues posed to me by using my experience to catch a few fish for specific individuals while, hopefully, teaching other people how to improve their fishing.

How did I get to the name of today’s column, Come In, as a name for a column looking at issues of coming out? The answer to that question involves an image from the Bible. I’m not interested in religion, nor do I care much about religion. If you ever think that I’m talking about religion, please let me know, because I’m not. I don’t want anyone to believe something that he or she didn’t believe prior to reading my thoughts. I don’t want anyone not to believe something that he or she believed before reading my words. I am most interested, however, in addressing a wholly universal and yet unique experience within each one of us.

Abraham is tooling along when he hears a voice that directs him to leave all that he has know as his home, and follow that instruction to a new way of life. This section of the story is often entitled “Come Out,” as in come out of your current life. The kabbalists, the more spiritually oriented Bible scholars, teach that the words translate more closely as, leave to yourself, or journey inward to yourself.

Ultimately, most issues of coming out lead to and end with the question, Who do you say that you are? The fears and concerns that appear to be focused on parents, siblings, friends, teachers, partners, religious and governmental leaders, as well as economic opportunities, distill down to an inner journey to face one’s own demons. These are the personal dragons that would stop an individual from the full expression of a life lived out in fullness and glory. They are the school yard bullies who, once confronted, vanish to reveal the gifts of strength and talent that have been previously hidden.

I say that you’re a human being with wonderful characteristics who is also a pain in someone else’s ass at times. I say that you’re capable of showing the rest of us how to be better people. I say that we are all in need of growth and improving ourselves.

OK. That’s the background for this column. I recognize that at times my words may get a bit fancy. So send me your questions or issues about coming out or just living as a gay person in this crazy world, and let’s get practical together.

By regular mail, address your envelopes to Ask Doc Quixote , 1717 North Andrews Avenue, Fort Lauderdale, Florida, 33311, or email them to AskDocQuixote@glccsf.org.

I will respond via a link from the Center’s web site – Ask Doc Quixote. For now we’re starting with a weekly contribution, and will look to increase the frequency should it prove needed and helpful.

However much that I tried to have a catchy phrase to end the public speaking and teaching that I did in my career as a psychiatrist, I found myself always ending with this absolutely corny statement. But I still seem capable of no other: Thank you for letting me do my thing.

Learn about:

Find out more:

COMING OUT AS BI

COMING OUT AS TRANS

Profiles:

Books: This has reviews and information on some of the books that I’ve read which cover issues such as being non-heterosexual, coming out, telling your parents, and so on. Some are fictional, others non-fictional. All however are good reads.

Movies: This has reviews and links to IMDB information about some of the better gay movies that are out there. It’s been a long time coming, but there are some really good quality gay movies available that you should look into.

Gay and Lesbian TV Characters: I still feel that there are not enough non-heterosexual characters on TV … in a society where so much is learned from the TV, it’s important to have role models on the TV. This page highlights some characters on TV and shows that the screens aren’t totally devoid of them.

Planet Out: A resource page that contains daily news updates on relevant gay and lesbian information from around the globe. Always a worthwhile read.

GLAAD: Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation. An honorable cause, if there ever was one. This site strives to provide information on the fight for equal rights and to not be defamed for who we are.

Homosexuality: Common Questions and Statements Addressed: I’ve got to say that this is one of the most comrehensive sites around on the web and certainly worthy of a lot of attention. Sit down with an hour or two to spare and go through this page properly.

The Other Queer Page: Another comprehensive set of links on all spheres of gay life. You can find links to just about any information you want on coming out or coming to terms with yourself from this page, and plenty of links to the personal home pages of gays, lesbians and bisexuals around the world … certainly enough to prove to you that you aren’t alone.

Pinkboard Australia: This grew out of a BBS and has rapidly become one of the most popular GLBT sites in the country. In addition to hosting community information, Pinkboard also hosts a very popular personals section.

Coming Out To Your Parents: This is a brochure format web-page that you should definately read before coming out to your parents. I wish I’d known about it when I first came out to my parents!

PFLAG’s Publications on Homosexuality and Coming Out: PFLAG stands for “Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays”, and this is a truly great site to visit for information on coming out or if someone has recently come out to you.

Gabi Clayton’s Homepage: Gabi is the mother of a young man called Bill, who after coming to terms with his bisexuality, was subjected to severe hate crimes in the community and as a result of these, tragically committed suicide. Gabi’s site which commemorates Bill’s life is, while terribly sad, uplifting also.

London-Boy’s Diary: The story of a young man in London coming out to himself and others, and the life that he is leading. A truly wonderful site.

OutProud has a great brochure called: Read This Before Coming Out to Your Parents at: http://www.outproud.org/brochure_coming_out.html

Also, you might want to talk to other teens at:
http://www.youth-guard.org/projects/

What does it mean to come out?
Create a personal inventory when coming out.
Know that you are not alone.
Deal with stereotypes, discrimination and hate against gays.
Tell family and friends you’re gay when you’re ready.
Don’t give up on marriage or children.
Learn about gay love, relationships and sex.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

Related Articles

Coming Out Step-by-Step
Coming Out Frequently Asked Questions
The Coming Out Process
Coming Out & Coping Tips for Gay and Bisexual Men
Coming Out of the Closet

Coming Out and Staying Out – A guide to coming out for gay and bisexual men.
Coming Out Can Reduce Sexual Prejudice - A national survey study finds that heterosexuals who personally know a gay man or lesbian have more favorable attitudes toward gay people in general than do heterosexuals without such contact.
Coming Out to Your Parents – What to expect, and questions to ask yourself when telling your parents that you are gay, lesbian or bi
Cool Page for Queer Teens – Useful information for GLBT teens about coming out, problems in school and at home, religion. Several links and expert consultations.
The Fine Art Of Being Come Out To: A Straight Person’s Guide To Gay Etiquette – Guide to the casual, advanced and beyond coming out.
For Parents of Gay Children – Information guide for parents trying to understand their gay children. Initial shock, questions and answers, concerns and personal stories.
Gay Life – Advice on being homosexual and meeting others.
GayHealth: Coming Out – A collection of articles on issues relating to coming out published on GayHealth.com
GayHealth: Coming Out – News and articles on coming out operated by lesbian and gay medical professionals.
GLBTQ Education: Identity Formation and Coming Out – Identity formation and coming out process in gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, queer, and questioning people is not well understood. Internet resources, reports, papers, books, abstracts, and bibliography.
How Do You Know? – An article by Janis Cortese about coming out and how does one know one is gay, lesbian, or bisexual.
How to be a Happy Lesbian – Resources and links for lesbian women, and PDF download of part of the book, “How to be a Happy Lesbian: A coming out guide” (requires email address and name).
Human Rights Campaign – National Coming Out Project - A public education and outreach program of the Human Rights Campaign Foundation promoting values of honesty and openness about being lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender on campus, in the workplace and at home.
Ken & Jim’s Place – Help for gay Christians coming out.
Lesbian for dummies – A sex guide that offers information and encouragement to all women who desire women whether you are lesbian, bisexual, butch, femme, androgynous, or transgender.
My Child is Gay. – My child is gay. Now what do I do? Answers the questions most parents when learning their child is gay. Helping out in the community and resources.
National Coming Out Project – Resources and event information for the Dallas/Ft. Worth Texas area.
Outpath Coming Out Archives – Search through the stories of many people who have come out.
Parent/Child Health Information – Coming Out – A health-based site with facts and suggestions for young people thinking about coming-out and their parents.
ReachOut! – Sexuality and coming out – Fact sheets and referral for youth who believe they may be gay, lesbian or bisexual and things to consider when coming out.
Stages of Coming Out – Article on stages of coming out.
Support for Parents and Gay Kids During the Never-ending Coming-Out Process – Personal stories and advice from moms and teens. Also includes links.